Better

And Matrices

I just experienced a strange instance of deja vu, and immediately the thought I had was 'oh, Matrix is resetting itself'.
And so, I breathed a heavy sigh and thought 'Isn't that a relief?' like somehow, the system must be overloading and that's why I'm so volatile and tense and angry lately.
I don't believe in things, but I still let the thought relax me.

Repost

At some point when I thought I'd be more proactive about learning web coding, I removed a lot of old posts that I meant to eventually put back at some point so I'm going to slowly start doing so with some of the better ones. 


I had a lot of trouble coming up with a title for this piece in particular, nor do I remember quite when I wrote it.

There’s something to be said about pride. I would hold her in my hands, I would trap her underneath the weight of my sternum, and I would listen to her breath catch. I learned quickly that I couldn’t hurt her emotionally, so it was some sort of affirmation when I realized I could crush her in my arms. I could squeeze her lifeless, make her limp, make her cold, leave her naked on a pile of books and magazines and clothes on her floor and who knows how long it’d take for anyone to find her.

I didn’t. I mean, I wouldn’t. Even when she’s naked and her clavicle pokes through beneath her paper body and she looks so goddamn breakable. I just hug her tighter, closer to me, feeling the heat of her skin. I feel her humanity under my fingertips. Her lips, her breath stain my skin. She has sharp teeth and sharp bones and she folds herself up tiny like she’d fit inside herself and she gives herself to me like a present.

She told me once that her favorite thing about the winter time was wearing short dresses on cold nights. She once told me that she would rather die than ever be in love again. She once told me that she knew I didn’t last long to prolong her pleasure, I just had trouble finishing. I leave her house with gold rings on my dick from her lipstick. I leave her house trembling and nauseous, wishing she had asked me to stay.

There’s something to be said about pride. There’s something to be said about doing well in a game you don’t even know the rules to. There’s something to be said about making a woman like that scream beneath you. There’s something kind of sad about being too timid to ask her what she’s thinking about.

She pipes up, “I am a mirror,” and doesn’t elaborate. I tell her she’s an earth quake. She says she’s a syringe. She says, men like you tend to get addicted.

She has whipped cream on her finger and my want for her crystallizes like sugar god it makes my teeth hurt.

I know there are a million things I’ll never know about her and she teases me with hints of secrets, dangled above me like feathers on a string.

I see her smile light up her face super bright and she’s floaty like a cloud of hot air balloons. I say I just want to see her happy, but the thing is I think she might already be happy.

Instead, I kind of just want to see her bleed.

I'm in a panic right now because I can't remember if my old Archie Comics are in storage or if I recycled them.

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